The Switch

Some days are easier than others.

Some days it feels like you’re running through a field of flowers, wind in your hair, soft cushioned grass at your feet, and then it happens.

The switch.

Suddenly you’ve hit thorns and you are thrown off balance and everything just comes crashing down. You reach out to catch yourself but the beautiful flowers were no match for your self destruction, and although pretty they provided you with no stable support. Honestly that could be a metaphor for most of my time spent as a military wife.

But
Oh
God
This
House

There was a time it was a sanctuary, but now it’s just a time capsule of chaos and destruction. The place where everything ended. I just don’t know how to pick up these pieces. I don’t know how to get it together, when it’s literally been blown apart.

But
Packing this house
Is like boxing up my heart.

Remembering the way you would walk through the door, still makes tears swell, because the truth is you could never make it in to give me a kiss fast enough.

You really loved me so much, enough to give your Life to shelter your family from the pain you had been dealing with for years.

Everyone wants to discuss the negatives, who they think you were based on the things they have heard.

I

DON’T

CARE!

Seriously. Even if every rumor you ever heard was true, last I checked you can’t pay with anything more extreme than your life. I know in my heart that is not the truth, I know you couldn’t take the verbal, psychological, physical and visual bullying the military had been dishing out for 7 years. I know the you who entered, verses the you that left us. It’s apparent just by seeing the before and afters of joining the military.

Your death has changed me. I have an appreciation for human life that I doubt many could rival. I just want to live my life in love and everything else can fall away. I used to care so much about stuff but now I could careless. I’m sorry I didn’t find that place when you were still here. I still suck at slowing down but if I could have done it all over again I would have spent every day of our life making you feel like a king. I really did what I thought was my best but I can be honest and say once the military started encroaching on our dream I just poured everything into the home.

See what hasn’t changed John is just how truly ugly this cruel world is. What did change was how I approach that pain. I could shut down and close everyone out but instead I pick love. I pick to hug the homeless. I pick to be a voice of justice. I pick to dive selflessly into loving myself so I may always find ways to

Love the unlovable,

Reach the unreachable,

Soften those who have been harden by the unkind influencers in their life,

Show empathy even when I gain nothing but perspective.

I hope you are still proud of how I move. I know a lot of people think I am absolutely insane. Please let me just thank you for the immense privilege I gained in simply

No
Longer
Giving
A
Fuck
What
People
Think.

That was a privilege my kind heart could have never gained without the darkness the military families showed me as I went through the most horrific events of my life. Soon we can start talking about those moments of darkness that have granted me a freedom I didn’t know existed.


This week it all goes in boxes and I will walk away with pain in my heart and a fire in my eyes. Your death awakened something inside and I can’t let them snuff it out.

I can not go back.

I won’t go back.

So on I go.

Vegas it’s been life changing

But on I wander. ✌️