Today Was The Day

Today was it.

Today was the day I went.

I’ve avoided it for so long,

the scene of your accident.

I parked and walked. I scoured the ground for any traces of you. I found one tiny piece of the headlights and a tiny piece of the lamp. I kept them, it’s hard to know that all that separates you from those tiny pieces is four months. In four months that’s all that’s left of what once was the perfect fairytale.

I didn’t get to say goodbye, matter of fact people cared more about being associated with rumors than supporting me in an already dark time, so I’m just now accepting this is goodbye. I wish I could say that when you left the world stopped spinning. It sounds so romantic the universe stopping for you to mourn the one you love. The reality is the only thing that stopped that day was your heart.

I couldn’t stop, no, the military made sure to catapult me straight into major life choices before they even confirmed your body. 48 hours later and still in shock I was signing papers and agreeing to things that I am still not quite sure of.

Today though, today I went and I saw.

When I arrived I parked and walked. The gate guard was honestly the greatest gate guard I have ever had contact with. His compassion and real empathy was one of the only acts of kindness I have received from anyone here in uniform. His kindness was the only thing to bring me joy today and I’m forever grateful he was the one there today.

See the truth is I feel alone. No one has time for me. I understand they have their own families and that’s fine, but they used to squeeze me in. No one knows how to talk to me or what to say. The truth is there’s nothing you can say. There is nothing that will undo it. There’s no turning back and there’s not some magic solution. I have to go through it. Sometimes I think the world will never allow me the safe place to go through it. Those days feel suffocating.

Today was one of those days.

Sobbing so hard clinging to 2 tiny pieces.

The last tiny pieces that existed in the time and space with you. I looked out and noticed the perfect Vegas skyline. This is the place you always wanted to show me when I was too busy for you huh? I guess you finally brought me to your favorite scene in Vegas, I’m sorry I didn’t meet you there sooner. I would say I’ll do better next time but I won’t get that chance.

So off I wander.