The Raid

Today I was having an amazing morning. The weather was perfect. I zipped around town with an amazing friend so someone could sit with her kids while she ran errands. We had a nice lunch and I was ready to arrive home.

I wanted to take a nice amazing bath,

But,

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable.

I could not be vulnerable, because there was a white government vehicle parked in the eyesight of my house. There were other vehicles that were white or black parked on the sides of surrounding streets. So I had to go for a brisk walk. I had to walk the entire neighborhood because my house is no longer a sanctuary. I no longer come home to peace or security. I no longer trust that new car is someone who just moved in or is visiting.

Others might say well I wouldn’t worry,

You have nothing to hide,

but as far as I was concerned the day my home was raided I had nothing to hide. I still don’t understand how that day happened. How that day was allowed to happen.

If you are there for my protection then why did you terrorize me and my children? I get it you believe my husband did something wrong but why did you need to raid my home as I begged for you to let me quietly take my autistic son through the back.

Again I could understand except for one thing.

He was already in custody!

Who knowingly terrorizes a home with a mom of five. Who does that to a 5, 4 and 1 year old? I would have kindly opened the door and let you take anything you wanted, but you terrorized us, and I just want to understand why? What were we guilty of? Even if you believe every rumor you ever heard about my husband, what did I do? What did my children do? I’m still terrified of people in uniform. My heart still races when any car drives slowly past my house. I can’t pack up and leave because I am frozen in fear every time I walk through those doors.

That Raid changed me. It changes how my brain operates and I don’t know how to be in my home anymore. So I have spent so much time on the bus. I’ve seen 6 states in 3 months. I Learned a lot of carpentry, made some amazing friends, hung out with all my best friends and their kids, explored new places, new ideas. I purged myself of labels and constraints and adopted radical honesty.

The Raid stripped me of a lot. It made the world view me unfairly. It made children tell my 11 year old they were happy his dad’s dead. It made people think it was okay to tell the community not to donate to the meal train for my children. It allowed people to assume they were better than me and we were not worthy of love and support.

The Raid Dehumanized Me

However in humility we find ourselves.

I am rising.

I’m still struggling but I’m starting to see I have fire in my step and words dying to spill out. Some of lifes lessons are ugly but we are going to dig in deep. Sometimes self-reflection and accountability look like destruction but I have to believe I emerge out the other side a butterfly. 🦋

A Phoenix doesn’t apologize for the embers it leaves behind as it rises up and believe me I won’t either. I don’t care if it all burns down I will tell my truth.