The Wandering Widow

A Celebration of Life

John Faux There was a celebration of your life yesterday.

One I was never invited to.

I know you wouldn’t attend such an event, in a church you detested, without the people you loved most.

You had a celebration of life,
WITHOUT your wife OR children present
IN a CHURCH you hated.

What part of your life was celebrated there?

The part you left behind years ago?

I suppose they celebrated a life you no longer were living because it is the last of your life they actually acknowledged or showed up for.

Everyone ALWAYS cared so much about making you palatable. Instead of just loving you and learning to understand your autism.
Heaven forbid we get the child resources! Instead let’s teach them, secrecy above honesty, as long as it saves face.

John you always said I was strong,
and you were so right!

I am, strong and unafraid.
I am willing to die for this authenticity.
I will never throw away this truth you taught me in your death. If it’s worth fighting for make sure it’s worth dying for and if not pick to move forward in love and peace. I want to be a healer, a fortress a beacon of light. You reminded me in death of who I was before life told me who to be.

They had a celebration of life, but did they even know the day before was when you were finally placed in my arms for the final time?

There is no closure in this right now,
no mellowing of pain,
just pause…

I am left suspended in air and it hurts to breathe.

Everyone else wants to highlight a life you were not living. I can’t lose sight of the fact, that regardless of fault, we were so desensitized to humanity that

We missed the life you had!

We missed the man you were!

We missed the little things that we didn’t even know to appreciate!

The morning kisses, the sunrise pouring in across your back when the sun first broke through the blinds, the dorky laugh or the late night baby trade offs hoping for just a few more minutes of sleep, those were the things I didn’t take in and I will never allow myself to simply not see a person again.

That woman on the corner has a story.

The little boy in the 7-11 has dreams.

That person we drive by everyday and look past, that’s someone’s daughter. That’s someone’s son. At one point that was someone’s ENTIRE HOPE for the future and…

They didn’t get to decide where they were planted! They just had to bloom, some in rich fertilizers with lots of light & water. Some through cracks in the concrete, where they only got dirty rain and filtered sunshine…

Yet STILL they bloomed.
Why is that flower less appreciated?
It has defied every odd against it.

The answer is, it shouldn’t be.

John, you gave me that. You gave me that mind frame. You took away my ego when you took your life. It is in this healing, I’m filling that space with love. That I think, is the real celebration of your life, it’s all the lives you changed in your sacrifice and the legacy of love it will continue to pour on to others.

The Switch

Some days are easier than others.

Some days it feels like you’re running through a field of flowers, wind in your hair, soft cushioned grass at your feet, and then it happens.

The switch.

Suddenly you’ve hit thorns and you are thrown off balance and everything just comes crashing down. You reach out to catch yourself but the beautiful flowers were no match for your self destruction, and although pretty they provided you with no stable support. Honestly that could be a metaphor for most of my time spent as a military wife.

But
Oh
God
This
House

There was a time it was a sanctuary, but now it’s just a time capsule of chaos and destruction. The place where everything ended. I just don’t know how to pick up these pieces. I don’t know how to get it together, when it’s literally been blown apart.

But
Packing this house
Is like boxing up my heart.

Remembering the way you would walk through the door, still makes tears swell, because the truth is you could never make it in to give me a kiss fast enough.

You really loved me so much, enough to give your Life to shelter your family from the pain you had been dealing with for years.

Everyone wants to discuss the negatives, who they think you were based on the things they have heard.

I

DON’T

CARE!

Seriously. Even if every rumor you ever heard was true, last I checked you can’t pay with anything more extreme than your life. I know in my heart that is not the truth, I know you couldn’t take the verbal, psychological, physical and visual bullying the military had been dishing out for 7 years. I know the you who entered, verses the you that left us. It’s apparent just by seeing the before and afters of joining the military.

Your death has changed me. I have an appreciation for human life that I doubt many could rival. I just want to live my life in love and everything else can fall away. I used to care so much about stuff but now I could careless. I’m sorry I didn’t find that place when you were still here. I still suck at slowing down but if I could have done it all over again I would have spent every day of our life making you feel like a king. I really did what I thought was my best but I can be honest and say once the military started encroaching on our dream I just poured everything into the home.

See what hasn’t changed John is just how truly ugly this cruel world is. What did change was how I approach that pain. I could shut down and close everyone out but instead I pick love. I pick to hug the homeless. I pick to be a voice of justice. I pick to dive selflessly into loving myself so I may always find ways to

Love the unlovable,

Reach the unreachable,

Soften those who have been harden by the unkind influencers in their life,

Show empathy even when I gain nothing but perspective.

I hope you are still proud of how I move. I know a lot of people think I am absolutely insane. Please let me just thank you for the immense privilege I gained in simply

No
Longer
Giving
A
Fuck
What
People
Think.

That was a privilege my kind heart could have never gained without the darkness the military families showed me as I went through the most horrific events of my life. Soon we can start talking about those moments of darkness that have granted me a freedom I didn’t know existed.

This week it all goes in boxes and I will walk away with pain in my heart and a fire in my eyes. Your death awakened something inside and I can’t let them snuff it out.

I can not go back.

I won’t go back.

So on I go.

Vegas it’s been life changing

But on I wander. ✌️

The Transition

Grief is like the Ocean, constantly moving and unpredictable. When the skies look calm and clear a strong warm front comes in from the south and takes you by surprise, before you know it you are being thrown among the swells.
Grief is anything but linear. No it’s a collection of ; staying numb enough to overcome the trauma, but not so numb you can’t function for your children, fleeting moments of happiness when fond memories pop up, and bouts of unexplainable rage. ( some people may think this is explainable but those who know me best know I hate confrontation.) Then when you are really lucky there is, laughter, tear inducing laughter because you finally had a moment that didn’t knock the wind out of you and you are so relieved you weep.

When John died, it felt like everything had frozen in time but somehow simultaneously everything was spinning. At first the moments feel clear, cut and dry. The smile on his face as he said, “Sure.” on his way out the door, the slight chuckle, because he finally had me distracted enough he could make his Exit. Life has a funny way of humbling you when you think your done learning your lesson, and if I am quite honest with myself, and you, I had lost touch with what mattered and I had really lost myself along the way. I wish I could have tuned out the noise of society and locked in on my husband as he struggled hard that last year. I wish I could have looked past my own bullshit to see what had slipped away, but if I had my husband would be kissing me on his way to work this morning and you wouldn’t be reading this blog.

How then do we move forward, through the traumas through the pain and guilt?

We adapt.

We change.

We evolve.

With any luck we evolve into better people. I can’t take the time to listen to my husband anymore but I can sit down to dinner with a stranger on a park bench and ask her about her life. I can’t punch a hole in the wall but, I can run. Boy can I run. I didn’t even know I could run so far. I can leap. Now I leap fearlessly because I’m no longer terrified of the fall. I snuggle friends and listen to them talk about Star wars. I unplug and engage when someone wants to talk about something I don’t care about, because when you care about people you pause. I pause more. When I am frustrated my first thought is, ” Is the anger I feel triggered by feelings of insecurity, is there truth to what’s being said? ” I find that when I am honest with myself I almost always find space for me to grow.

I’m learning. That’s okay. I’m not going to do it perfect everyday and when I’m wrong I’m learning to apologize. I’m learning to ask questions when my children act out because I now understand that behavior is usually a symptom. These kids have been through so much, and still they have joy. They still have hope. If my children can hope then I can strive. I won’t do it perfect, but I will like who I’m laying down with on my pillow every night and that’s a pretty great place to start.

It was bliss

You know it wasn’t always Chaos.

There was a time when our lives were absolutely perfect and I thought I had finally found a happily ever after.

Was

Bliss!

The harsh reality is we don’t live in fairy tales and sometimes endings are just sad. I guess that’s why it feels so important to acknowledge how we got here, as we move forward. Not everything was difficult, not everything was sad. There were moments filled with insane laughter and joy, there was passionate love and last minute adventures.

You were my best friend. You always had me 100 percent. You always had your children 100 percent of the time. Honestly you always had anyone you loved at 100 percent even if they only gave you 5. You were loyal. You put your neck out for men who made fun of you and called you names. You stood up for a man, giving up your one chance to finally fit in because it was the right thing to do. You may not have been perfect but I do believe you were a good man.

Your love was a fairytale unfolding and we never got through the thick of the plot to find our happily ever after. I hate that you aren’t here to write anymore chapters with, but I’m bravely rewriting the book. I am living in radical honesty. I’ve spent my entire life never really showing who I was because I was too scared to stand up for myself, but I’m growing. You gave me that gift. It turns out when I am 100 percent myself, people not only like me, but they love me with passion!

You gave me so much freedom in your tragic goodbye. The strength to say,

“No,

I’ve had enough,

I deserve respect,

I will not allow you to treat me that way.”

I know you would be so insanely proud of the woman I am emerging as. I am starting to want to live again. I’ve worn makeup and even painted my nails, I am finding the woman I thought I had lost along the way.

So yes it’s been an absolute nightmare,

Anxiety inducing madness,

But it’s also been little pockets of pure Bliss.

The Raid

Today I was having an amazing morning. The weather was perfect. I zipped around town with an amazing friend so someone could sit with her kids while she ran errands. We had a nice lunch and I was ready to arrive home.

I wanted to take a nice amazing bath,

But,

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable.

I could not be vulnerable, because there was a white government vehicle parked in the eyesight of my house. There were other vehicles that were white or black parked on the sides of surrounding streets. So I had to go for a brisk walk. I had to walk the entire neighborhood because my house is no longer a sanctuary. I no longer come home to peace or security. I no longer trust that new car is someone who just moved in or is visiting.

Others might say well I wouldn’t worry,

You have nothing to hide,

but as far as I was concerned the day my home was raided I had nothing to hide. I still don’t understand how that day happened. How that day was allowed to happen.

If you are there for my protection then why did you terrorize me and my children? I get it you believe my husband did something wrong but why did you need to raid my home as I begged for you to let me quietly take my autistic son through the back.

Again I could understand except for one thing.

He was already in custody!

Who knowingly terrorizes a home with a mom of five. Who does that to a 5, 4 and 1 year old? I would have kindly opened the door and let you take anything you wanted, but you terrorized us, and I just want to understand why? What were we guilty of? Even if you believe every rumor you ever heard about my husband, what did I do? What did my children do? I’m still terrified of people in uniform. My heart still races when any car drives slowly past my house. I can’t pack up and leave because I am frozen in fear every time I walk through those doors.

That Raid changed me. It changes how my brain operates and I don’t know how to be in my home anymore. So I have spent so much time on the bus. I’ve seen 6 states in 3 months. I Learned a lot of carpentry, made some amazing friends, hung out with all my best friends and their kids, explored new places, new ideas. I purged myself of labels and constraints and adopted radical honesty.

The Raid stripped me of a lot. It made the world view me unfairly. It made children tell my 11 year old they were happy his dad’s dead. It made people think it was okay to tell the community not to donate to the meal train for my children. It allowed people to assume they were better than me and we were not worthy of love and support.

The Raid Dehumanized Me

However in humility we find ourselves.

I am rising.

I’m still struggling but I’m starting to see I have fire in my step and words dying to spill out. Some of lifes lessons are ugly but we are going to dig in deep. Sometimes self-reflection and accountability look like destruction but I have to believe I emerge out the other side a butterfly. 🦋

A Phoenix doesn’t apologize for the embers it leaves behind as it rises up and believe me I won’t either. I don’t care if it all burns down I will tell my truth.

Today Was The Day

Today was it.

Today was the day I went.

I’ve avoided it for so long,

the scene of your accident.

I parked and walked. I scoured the ground for any traces of you. I found one tiny piece of the headlights and a tiny piece of the lamp. I kept them, it’s hard to know that all that separates you from those tiny pieces is four months. In four months that’s all that’s left of what once was the perfect fairytale.

I didn’t get to say goodbye, matter of fact people cared more about being associated with rumors than supporting me in an already dark time, so I’m just now accepting this is goodbye. I wish I could say that when you left the world stopped spinning. It sounds so romantic the universe stopping for you to mourn the one you love. The reality is the only thing that stopped that day was your heart.

I couldn’t stop, no, the military made sure to catapult me straight into major life choices before they even confirmed your body. 48 hours later and still in shock I was signing papers and agreeing to things that I am still not quite sure of.

Today though, today I went and I saw.

When I arrived I parked and walked. The gate guard was honestly the greatest gate guard I have ever had contact with. His compassion and real empathy was one of the only acts of kindness I have received from anyone here in uniform. His kindness was the only thing to bring me joy today and I’m forever grateful he was the one there today.

See the truth is I feel alone. No one has time for me. I understand they have their own families and that’s fine, but they used to squeeze me in. No one knows how to talk to me or what to say. The truth is there’s nothing you can say. There is nothing that will undo it. There’s no turning back and there’s not some magic solution. I have to go through it. Sometimes I think the world will never allow me the safe place to go through it. Those days feel suffocating.

Today was one of those days.

Sobbing so hard clinging to 2 tiny pieces.

The last tiny pieces that existed in the time and space with you. I looked out and noticed the perfect Vegas skyline. This is the place you always wanted to show me when I was too busy for you huh? I guess you finally brought me to your favorite scene in Vegas, I’m sorry I didn’t meet you there sooner. I would say I’ll do better next time but I won’t get that chance.

So off I wander.